10 Important Things About Being Tall

Not only is it super hard to be rich and a genius, but I am also 6’3. My life is a constant battle against the fascist forces of average-sized people. Average-sized people rule the world with a small, unimpressive, iron-clad fist, and those of us who inhabit the higher spaces of this earth are subjected to their tyranny.

Now, all of you poor people are probably thinking, “I heard it was awesome to be tall?” Yes, that is also true. There are many perks and jerks to being tall. To demystify this issue I have decided to explain ten things (5 good, 5 bad) about being tall.

5 Things That Suck About Being Tall

Water Fountains

I’m not just talking about children fountains, I’m talking about all of the water fountains distributed by cities and organizations controlled by average-sized people. When I go out into public I do a full three hours of stretching to prepare myself for using public water fountains. More importantly, using a public water fountain can be a demeaning action as you slurp water so precariously close to your genitalia.

Buying Clothes

If you pay careful attention, tall people are usually not well-dressed unless they are wealthy. Although I am really rich now, I used to only make $80/hr so I understand the plight of the poor tall man. It takes too f’ing long to find something that fits right, and all of the retail clerks LIE about clothing shrinking in the wash. Even more annoying, the size “large” is meant for both the vertically large and horizontally large. This means you usually have shirts that fit well in width, but are too short, or you have shirts that hang lower than Cher’s inner thighs.

The phrase, “you’re so/too tall.”

This is something that most of you won’t understand because you just have to live the experience. For example, a bald gorilla sees life through a unique vantage point, and as do tall people. This vantage point also includes the phrase, “you are so/too tall!”

What the hell does that even mean? Are you critiquing me? Are you complimenting me? Are you warning me about some impending danger? There is no reason for this statement, and like all unreasonable things, there is no reasonable response that doesn’t make you sound like a turd. For example:

Style Response to “you’re so tall!”
Pretentious “Why thank you, yes it is an important part of my life.”
Rude “You’re so short! Is it fun to eat off the children`s menu?”
Seductive “I’m taller when I lay on my stomach.”
Insane “Not too tall to kill you!”

Jumping Into Convertibles

All rich people dream of owning an awesome convertible that we can jump into and then drive drunk. But tall people don`t get to experience this human right. There is not enough room for our long and sexy legs to safely land in the driver`s seat. This is really embarrassing when you are trying to show off for a supermodel. It also doesn’t appear that this oppression will stop any time soon; governments around the world are stubborn on their “no cars under 10 feet long rule.”

Public Bathrooms

Originally I had this entry divided into multiple entries, but I felt that this would be cheating. So I have combined all of these complaints into one master complaint.

Urinals

Being tall and using a public urinal can sometimes be a great hamstring strengthening exercise. A new personal hero of mine is the guy (I’m assuming he’s a guy) who invented the urinal that starts at the ceiling and goes all the way down to the ground. Do you know how many times I have urinated on the wall ABOVE the urinal?

Stalls

Okay, “so don`t pee in the urinal” you say. Well think about this: Nothing is more awkward than when two tall guys each stand up from dropping a log and lock eyes. The only thing you can say at this point is, “don’t flush, let’s compare.” From personal experience, public bathroom stall doors are on average 6 feet tall. Forget privacy. When you’re tall you get used to witnessing the vulnerable eyes of someone who just gave birth to an Oh Henry.

Showers

Who thought that something so relaxing could turn into such a pain. When I’m looking for new mansions to acquire the shower head positioning is a make or break issue. Sometimes you walk into the shower and the water is pummeling your belly button. So then you raise it and it’s shooting upwards directly up your nostrils. So then you squat over, and well, let’s just leave it there.

5 Things That Are Awesome About Being Tall

Standing Up

When you are sitting down your height is hidden, people unknowingly enter your presence assuming that you are one of them. Then, as you begin to rise, you can just hear the epic overtones of the William Tell Overture as you reveal your true self. The heads turn, the mouths drop, and all of a sudden you become the most memorable person in the room. It is such a gorgeous feeling and it happens multiple times every single day.

Concerts

Getting to a concert early is never a concern for tall people. General admission is just as good as front row as we can see over everyone. Also, when tall people look around the crowd we see other tall people, and then we nod and communicate with each other about an exit strategy if the venue goes ablaze. In addition, we also act as the gatekeepers to a good view. If someone is really rubbing us the wrong way we can slip in front of them and ruin their evening. Hahahaha!

Bar Stools

Most people climb up on a bar stool as if they were still kids. When I see them sitting there with their dangling feet I feel like it’s my responsibility to wipe their mouths with a hanky. When tall people sit on bar stools we sit with excellent posture and great attentiveness as our feet touch the ground. This magnificent poise almost always garners the attention of the barmaid, and we are usually lavished with free booze and handkerchiefs decorated with lipstick and locks of hair.

Sports Respect

When you`re tall, everyone automatically assumes that you`re an awesome athlete. This is because they correlate your long legs with great speed. Ironically, this assumption allows all of us to not train at all, we tend to milk the stereotype for all its worth before actually developing any real skills. Little do people know that most of us tall people are incredibly slow. We don`t care about winning at sports because we already won when we were born. Nevertheless, it is true that some sports are naturally easier for tall people, like volleyball, height measuring, and throne sitting.

General Usefulness

How often do you hear someone say, “hey, Jimmy, we need to use your height for a second, you’re the only one small enough to…” Tall people are generally more useful because we have greater access to higher places. For example, sometimes I purposefully buy things that I don`t want just because they`re on the top shelf. As I reach, I look around to make sure that the people around me notice that there is no object out of my reach. Want discount pickled eggs? No problem. There are no limits in my world. I depend on NO ONE! The innocent bystanders then become jealous and cry, and I reach across the room to pluck the tears from their cheek to add insult to injury.

There you have it. Now you understand everything important about being tall.

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