Five Ways To Spend One Hundred Million Dollars

It’s a question that all of my clients face every single day. “How do I spend my hundreds of million dollars? ” I will reveal to you my secrets. If one doesn’t find an appropriate answer to this existential question they can become depressed by the boring life of betting on child sports leagues. Luckily, I am offering this free article to help you learn all about new and exciting tactics to spend massive amounts of money in short periods of time.

Use Money As Business Cards

This amazing solution will help you spend your money faster AND make you even more money. Why spend $100 on a business card when you can just use the $100 itself. Nothing says high quality like giving someone one hundred dollars to remember you, and then spitting on their face and daring them to forget you. In marketing, you’ve gotta think out of the box.


Write In Endangered Animal Blood

You can’t seriously expect to land big contracts when you use the same pens as normal people do you? Of course not, that doesn’t make any sense. When you have over one hundred million dollars you can afford to make pens out of dodo bird quills, and then you can just fill them with giraffe blood. That’s how I signed my first multi-million dollar cheque! If you’re short for time you can just run down to the local zoo and find some “ink” there.


Pay Homeless People To Reenact McCaulay Culkin Movies

Now, I know you are thinking, “but it doesn`t even cost much at all to hire homeless people.” That is true, but to get human rights groups off your back you will at least have to keep them drunk. The real costs will occur when you pay for extremely high production values. Get Michael Bay as producer, Tom Hanks as director, and then do your casting at a local soup kitchen to find the lead actor to play Kevin McAllister. Just make sure that you don’t actually hire the real Joe Pesci, he has been out of work for ages.


Give Deranged Psych-Ward Patients Money To Fulfill Their Dreams

This one might get a little messy, so make sure you leave town when you begin this project.

The middle-class establishment locked these people up because they live in an entirely different reality. Well you’re going to release them and finance their reality and make it, uh, a reality. Imagine how much chaos an army of people-who-think-they’re-a-religious-prophet-because-they-mistook-a-bird-for-an-alien-starfleet could cause if they were financed. Think of the celebrities, and think of all of the morbid and atrocious things they would find in the mail. The media would never be the same again, and, based on the general trend of society, it might even make a hit television series!


Nuke A Neutral and Peaceful Country

Wouldn’t it be awesome if Palestine and Israel were playing “you flinched first” again, while the Soviets were rattling their commie sabres at the Americans, and North Korea was being the same ol’ unpredictable wildcard when all of a sudden Sweden gets nuked? Now, I don’t want to see that many people die, so maybe just nuke a Ruben Studdard concert. But wouldn’t that just shut everybody up? It would be like if 10 drunken guys were shoving each other outside of a bar when out of nowhere an innocent child was shot by a sniper. It would put things in a different perspective.

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